Who Should Come First in a Stepfamily?
We’re going to guess that you’ve probably heard just about everyone’s opinion on who they think should come first in your stepfamily.
This can not only be frustrating but downright confusing for stepparents!
Is it the kids or the relationship with your partner?
One of the most common statements we’ve heard is: “the kids should always come first.”
But we’ve also heard others say the complete opposite, that the marriage should be put above all else.
We’re here today to give you our two cents on who we believe should come first – and it’s probably not who you think!...
YOU!
That’s right, the first person you need to be worrying about in your stepfamily is yourself!
Have you ever heard the saying:
“You can’t pour from an empty cup.”
It’s true. Take it from a pair of stepmoms that have spent plenty of time putting their needs on the back burner only to end up feeling run-down, resentful, unhappy, lonely, and exhausted.
If you’re worn out and exhausted, you will not only lack the physical energy to care for others but also find yourself emotionally unavailable and resenting those around you… like your partner and stepkids.
Think about how you feel even after you’ve been able to run to the grocery store by yourself. Maybe you stop on your way there and grab your favorite Starbucks order while listening to your favorite playlist. By the time you return, you’re feeling refreshed and a bit more like yourself again. Ready to tackle the day!
Now imagine if you were intentional about setting time aside for yourself daily!
Before you try telling us you can’t, we’re going to stop you and tell you, YOU CAN!
Even if you’re the busiest stepmom on the planet, you have 10-20 minutes to devote to yourself each day. Just think about how long you spend scrolling social media! Most of us are guilty of it – and for a good reason, because it feels like an escape. But if you took even a portion of that time and were more intentional about what you were doing for yourself – filling your cup – you will start to see …and feel results!
A 15-minute walk with a favorite podcast, 20 minutes reading a book or magazine, yoga/meditation/breathwork, 20 minutes of a TV show you really enjoy, or a phone call with a friend. Everyone is different – find what lights YOU up and do that!
And once you’ve mastered the daily routine, you can start looking at ways to create even more time for yourself! Maybe even a few hours at a time once or twice a month, or even a whole day… or an entire weekend!
Recharging and filling up your cup will make you not only a better person but also a better partner and stepmom! It’s a win-win!
That leads us to next on the list of the stepfamily hierarchy…
The relationship with your partner
Right now, you might be scratching your head and asking: but aren’t the kids the most important?
Yes, they absolutely are significant. However, the relationship with your partner must be a top priority.
After all, if there is no relationship, there is no stepfamily.
So, what does this mean? Weekly date-nights? Semi-annual or annual getaways?
Again, you might be saying: this sounds great, but we don’t have access to childcare on a weekly basis, and we certainly don’t have the means to take a vacation every year.
That’s ok because prioritizing your relationship is more than just the time you spend away from the kids on date nights and vacations.
Learning one another’s love languages, being aware of each other’s communication and conflict resolution styles, and prioritizing weekly “check-ins” are all ways you can prioritize, stay connected, grow and strengthen your partnership.
We understand that time away isn’t always in the budget, so offer these five date-night-at-home ideas!
Card/board game
Bonfire paired with your favorite playlist
Dive into a fun conversation, asking things like:
If you had a superpower, what would it be?
Vacation on the beach or an adventure?
If you could spend the day with anyone, living or not, who would it be?
What is your favorite meal?
Share an embarrassing story
Make a special meal together after the kids are in bed. Then, take it a step further and make a travel-inspired meal from places such as Italy, Greece, or France.
Get creative by having an at-home “paint night.” You can either create something totally original or find a tutorial on YouTube (there are plenty to choose from!)
The point is you can still prioritize your relationship even with the kids around and even without a budget for frequent getaways.
So last, but not least, you guessed it…
The kids
Don’t get us wrong here; we aren’t at all saying kids aren’t important. What we’re trying to remind you of here is that if you are feeling drained, overwhelmed, exhausted, and resentful and the relationship with your partner isn’t strong, you can’t possibly focus on the children, provide for them and support them the way you want to.
Not only that, but as {step}parents, we need to ensure we are modeling behaviors and habits to our kids that they can take with them when they eventually leave the nest. We want them to see what a happy, healthy relationship with oneself and others looks like!
We know these things aren’t always easy… new habits rarely are! Furthermore, we understand that putting yourself and your relationship first may feel very contradictory to what you hear or witness in your own family unit. But rest assured that by ensuring you and your relationship are the healthiest they can be, you will be a better parent!
Do you need help getting started? Let’s chat! Schedule a 15-minute, free, no-obligation Discovery Call today!
