It’s Ok to Love Your Stepchild Differently

Re-writing the narrative on the love stepparents and stepchildren are expected to feel for one another. 

I love my stepdaughter differently than I love my biological children.

For years I felt like I was supposed to love my stepdaughter “like my own.” 

We receive this messaging from the media and hear our well-intentioned family and friends say it all the time: “it’s so nice that you love them like your own.” These types of comments are often made without considering the weight they hold. 

It should come as no surprise to anyone that for years I secretly wondered what was wrong with me since I knew my love for my stepdaughter felt different than that for my biological children. 

What’s worse is that I was too scared to talk about it with anyone in fear of being judged, viewed as an awful person,  an awful stepmother and exactly what every Disney movie ever portrayed me to be. Evil.

Do I love my stepdaughter? Absolutely. 

Do I care about her health and well being? It’s always a top priority.

Do I worry about her the same way I worry about my own children? All. the. time. 

Would I do anything for her? In a heartbeat.

Do I have hopes and dreams for her future? They’re endless. 

But does my love for her feel the same as it does for the children I carried and grew inside of my body for 9 months? No. 

I didn’t plan for my stepdaughter's birth, I didn’t paint her nursery,  I didn’t send her off on her first day of school.... you get the idea. 

There are many experiences that differ between my involvement in her life and my own children’s. So it only makes sense that my bond and my love for her will be different. 

This certainly doesn’t make me a bad stepmom. It makes me a real human, with real, legitimate feelings that have been created by real life experiences. 

I love my stepdaughter differently than I love my biological children the same way I love my Nan differently than I love my husband. Do I love my Nan? Yes. Do I love my husband? Yes. Is the feeling of love the same for both, no. Is that ok? Of course! 

It’s no different with my stepdaughter - different experiences and bonds have shaped the way in which I love her. 

Just like me, my stepdaughter’s feelings of love for me differ from those she feels for her parents. How could they not?!? Her experiences with me are much different than those she has with her mother - but does it mean that I need to be defensive and upset? Absolutely not! 

Just because feelings of love are different for different people doesn’t mean we care about them any less. The experiences we have, and the bonds we create with each person are different and therefore our love differs.  

The Game Changer

The moment for me happened when I finally decided it was time to sit down and have this conversation with my husband. It certainly wasn't an easy conversation to approach, especially since I had ideas in my head about how I was supposed to feel vs. how I actually felt and worried that my husband might perceive me as being an evil, heartless stepmom. But to my relief, he understood me. Being a stepdad too, he could relate to what I was talking about. 

If anything, what we should really be taking away from this is to stop encouraging or congratulating stepparents to love their stepchildren like their own. The heaviness of this statement can be too much for some to bear and can leave some suffering silently. Instead, let’s learn to encourage stepparents to develop healthy relationships with their stepchildren - ones that involve mutual respect and understanding. Let’s allow stepparents and stepchildren to grow into their feelings of love for one another at their own pace, in a way that feels right for each of them. 

If you are feeling the societal pressure about how you rare “supposed to” love your stepchild and could use a stepmom friend to connect with schedule a coaching call today.