Living in His Ex-Wife’s House
Sitting on my front porch used to make my skin crawl.
While I sat there with my (now) husband, hand in hand, thoughts of him sitting in that exact spot with his ex-wife would race through my head. At times the feeling felt almost unbearable.
I didn't choose this front porch. My husband picked it with his ex-wife. This was their home.
Eleven years ago, I decided to leave my job of 10 years behind and move into my husband's home. Logistically it made sense for us, not to mention I was ready for a change: a new town with new opportunities.
We had been dating for a while, and I was well aware that this was the home he bought with his ex-wife. It wasn't a secret.
In fact, I had visited the home many times before moving in, knowing from the very beginning that his ex-wife used to live here. It really didn't seem to bother me a whole lot – sure, it was weird at times, but at the end of the day, it was just some bricks and walls, so what difference did it make who lived here in the past, right?
...Wrong.
The day I arrived with the moving truck, everything changed for me.
Suddenly I went from not really caring about the history of my new home to having what felt like every little thing upset me. Knowing she had touched the door handles, walked up and down the staircase, washed dishes in the kitchen sink... and, of course, been in my bedroom.
Knowing that my husband's ex-wife had been present in this home, sharing happy, beautiful memories with him was suddenly too much for me to cope with. Everywhere I turned, there were reminders that he had a life with someone before me, with someone he had planned on spending forever with.
Along with feeling emotional and upset about my new surroundings, I also began to feel insecure, jealous, and even resentful at times. The place that is supposed to feel the safest was anything but.
I wondered if I was being too sensitive or irrational.
I didn't know anyone in my unique situation, which meant I didn't have anyone I could turn to for help or solid advice. Sure, I had well-intentioned family and friends that would listen to me or give me words of encouragement like: "she's not there now! "that was the past!" "This is your house now!" But those weren't the things I needed to hear. Instead, I needed to know that my feelings were normal and acceptable.
Eventually, I learned that what I needed to help me cope with my new surroundings was change. I needed to change as many things as possible to make it feel more like mine and less like I was walking in to fill in for someone else.
I suggested to my husband that we paint – we didn't have much extra money, so paint seemed like the easiest way to make some of the changes I needed. However, this was no easy feat. After all, my husband had painted most of the house when he and his ex moved in only two years prior. So in his eyes, the paint was fine, and re-painting seemed like unnecessary work and extra spending!
After a lot of communication, I was able to help him understand what I was going through – he always took the time to listen and understood that it wasn't easy for me. Still, it took a lot of heavy, even uncomfortable conversations to really get him to think about and understand the "why" behind each of my emotions because his perspective of the situation was entirely different.
Along with paint, we began purchasing new decor to replace what we had both brought with us from the past. Of course, some things remained and still do to this day, but buying new things together helped us grow our new life and create unity in our home.
It has taken me years to overcome my feelings of jealousy, grief, feeling second best or like the second pick, and even longer than I'd like to admit to stop focusing on the fact that my husband and his ex-wife picked out my home together.
My biggest healers have been:
time
honest and open communication with my husband
creating our own memories together in our home
making the home my own via renovating or new decor/furniture
If you find yourself in a similar situation, I will offer you this advice:
Feel your feelings. Please don't ignore them or push them away.
Do what you can to make small changes: paint, replace the decor/furniture
Communicate. Talk to your partner about what you're going through. Remember, our thoughts aren't the same as our partners. Sometimes our partners need help understanding or having thought about a different perspective simply because their thought processes and experiences differ from ours.
Create your own memories. Host family gatherings or parties with friends, host kids' events - create a celebration for everything! Halloween, holidays, Valentine's Day. You can create all sorts of reasons to make memories in your home!
Time. Allow yourself time to work through your feelings, time to learn to communicate with your partner, time to create those new memories, and time to make the home your own.
If you are struggling with feelings about your partner’s past, know that you aren’t alone. We are here to support and would love to connect with you today!
