Toxic Tongues:

The Damaging Effects of Divorced Parents Bad-Mouthing Each Other in Front of Their Children

Divorce is a difficult and often emotionally charged experience for all parties involved, especially when children are caught in the crossfire. Unfortunately, some divorced parents engage in a destructive behavior known as bad-mouthing, where they speak negatively about their former partner in front of their children. While it may provide temporary relief for the parent expressing their frustration, the long-term consequences of this behavior on the children can be profound.

In this blog, we delve into the lasting effects of divorced parents bad-mouthing one another in front of their children. By shedding light on this damaging practice, we aim to increase awareness and encourage parents to prioritize the well-being of their children during and after divorce.

Imagine feeling like receiving love and approval from one parent was dependent on your disapproval of the other.  

Imagine being a child that feels nervous and unsure of how to act or show their love and affection to one parent in the presence of the other.  

Imagine being fearful of upsetting or appearing disloyal to one parent simply by displaying an act of love toward the other.

Imagine fearing you may be the next target of this anger.

Imagine the stress and anguish a child must feel when their every move feels like it must be calculated.

Imagine not being able to be your full self in front of the two people that brought you into this world.

When a child is unable to show affection to one of their parents in the presence of the other it is because they have been taught that it is unsafe to do so.

This is what it feels like to be a child caught in the crossfire of a bad-mouthing parent (or parents.)

The child eventually learns that having a positive relationship, feeling love towards, and showing affection towards that parent (being bad-mouthed by the other) is unsafe and unacceptable.

Children that are put in this position fear that if they are disloyal (to the parent doing the bad-mouthing,) they too will become unloved and the target of anger and hatred.

Let's look into five significant impacts children experience when one or both parents are bad-mouthing:

Emotional Distress and Confusion:

Children end up in a constant state of emotional turmoil. They may feel torn between their parents or caught in a loyalty conflict they are ill-equipped to navigate. The negative words and derogatory comments can lead to confusion, anxiety, and a diminished sense of self-worth, affecting their emotional well-being and overall development.

Damaged Parent-Child Relationships:

A child’s trust in both parents can become eroded. They may question the love and care they receive, creating an emotional barrier that can strain the parent-child relationship. Over time, this damage can hinder the child's ability to form healthy attachments and impact their future relationships.

Low Self-Esteem and Insecurity:

Negative remarks made by the bad-mouthing parent and constant criticism can take a toll on a child's self-esteem because they may internalize those negative remarks as a piece of themselves, leaving them to feel unworthy of love and support. This diminished self-confidence can impact their academic performance, social interactions, and overall well-being.

Increased Conflict and Stress:

Divorced parents bad-mouthing each other often perpetuates a cycle of conflict and hostility. The tension between parents can seep into every aspect of a child's life, creating a stressful and unstable environment. The constant exposure to arguments and negativity can have detrimental effects on the child's mental and emotional health, leading to increased stress levels and a sense of insecurity.

Long-Term Impact on Adult Life:

The effects of divorced parents bad-mouthing each other can extend well into adulthood, leaving them to struggle with trust issues, have difficulty forming healthy relationships, and experience challenges in managing conflict. The emotional scars from their childhood can linger, impacting their overall well-being and happiness as they navigate adult life.

How can you help?

If you notice a change in your stepchild's behavior when both you and their other parents are present, it's important to first reflect on your own actions first and ask yourself the following question: Have I spoken negatively about the other parent in front of my stepchild?

If you answered no, meaning you (and your partner) have not subjected your stepchild to bad-mouthing, then you may want to consider that they may be subjected to this in their other home.  Whether you have concrete evidence or it's mere speculation, you can have a conversation with your stepchild using the following approach:

"I've noticed that when mom/dad is around, you seem to act differently towards me – your hugs aren't as warm, and you appear a bit reserved. It must be challenging for you at times, and I understand that. I want you to know that even when you feel unable to give me a big hug goodbye, I still know you love me, and I want you to know that, regardless of anything, I love you too."

However, if the answer is yes, and you acknowledge that you have engaged in bad-mouthing, it's important to address this (age appropriately) with your stepchild. Let them know that you have said things that were unkind, and you now realize that it was wrong. Provide an example of when they were upset about something and may have said something hurtful in the heat of the moment. Explain that parents can also make mistakes sometimes and assure them that you are trying to do better each day. Furthermore, allow time and space for your stepchild to open up to you (if they want to) about how your bad-mouthing has affected them. Take responsibility for your actions and emphasize the importance of making a positive change. Moving forward, ensure that negative comments about the ex-spouse are not overheard by the child.

When approaching this topic with your stepchild, it's crucial to maintain a gentle and non-accusatory tone. Remember, even if you suspect or know for a fact that bad-mouthing is occurring, it doesn't justify engaging in the same behavior. In fact, when you speak ill of the other parent, your child may interpret it as an attack on them as well since they feel a loyalty to and hold that parent in high regard. Therefore, subjecting them to hurtful words about the parent you suspect is bad-mouthing only causes harm and offers little to no benefit.

It's crucial to create a safe and supportive environment for your stepchild to communicate with you. Let them know that they can openly express their feelings without judgment or fear of upsetting you. Encourage them to share their emotions and avoid keeping things bottled up. Establish an atmosphere that fosters honesty and openness, even if it means you might have to confront your own emotions and ego.

Above all, remember that the child in this situation is the victim. Avoid blaming them or expecting them to confront the parent who engages in bad-mouthing because it is not their responsibility to do so.

Divorced parents and stepparents must recognize the profound and long-lasting effects of bad-mouthing each other in front of their children. Let us remember that our words and actions hold immense power, especially when it comes to our children. By choosing to foster respect, understanding, and compassion, even in the face of challenges, divorced parents can provide their children with the stability and emotional security they need to thrive despite the circumstances.