The Truth About Stepparenting:
What They Don’t Tell You
Stepparenting can be a very complex role that requires a lot more than just love and patience.
The reality of a stepparent’s experience often differs from what is seen in movies or talked about by family and friends.
It often requires navigating complex emotions and relationships with a stepchild and/or the ex, establishing boundaries, and finding a support system.
In this blog, we explore the truth about stepparenting and the things nobody talks about and offer practical advice for those who are struggling to make it work. From navigating unexpected emotions to dealing with the challenges of stepparenting to maintaining a healthy relationship with your partner, we cover it all! So, if you’re a stepparent or considering becoming one, you’ll want to keep reading!
Understanding and managing unexpected emotions
Insecurity, jealousy, loneliness, shame, abandonment, grief, and frustration - these were just a few of the unexpected emotions we faced as stepmoms. Since becoming certified coaches and working with stepparents, we know just how common these feelings are.
Comparing yourself to the ex, jealousy toward a stepchild, loneliness in the challenges you face, shame for feeling the way you do, never feeling good enough or continually feeling like you don’t matter, sadness for a life you’ll never have, the frustration of someone in another home having a watchful eye over everything you say and do - and sometimes even having a say in how you run your home. These are the feelings that often get left unspoken and, in turn, leaves a stepparent to feel as though they are alone - like they are the only stepparent to have ever felt this way.
If you are experiencing any (or all) of these, first and foremost, it’s important to know that these feelings are completely normal and acceptable. They should be viewed as a tool that can help you gain insight and grow rather than as a negative that is getting in the way of your happiness. Friends and family can be a great sounding board; however, if never in a stepfamily dynamic, they can often lack the ability to truly understand what a stepparent is going through. Finding a support system or professional, such as a certified coach or therapist, can be a game changer when it comes to navigating heavy and unexpected emotions.
Navigating the relationship with your stepchild
One of the biggest hurdles of stepparenting can be navigating the relationship with your stepchild. It’s not always easy to build trust and connection with a child who may be feeling hurt and confused from the breakdown of their nuclear family, or that feels a natural loyalty to their other parent (the ex), which leads them to feel like forming a bond with a stepparent as a betrayal and therefore closes themself off.
It’s important to approach this relationship with patience, understanding, and empathy. When working to create a connection and bond with your stepchild, finding common ground and engaging in activities as a family is essential. Once connections are formed, the stepparent can then focus on creating time for 1:1 relationships.
Remember that building a relationship takes time, and taking things slow is okay. Don’t push too hard or try to force a connection - let it happen naturally. And as mentioned above, this could take some time, depending on where the stepchild is emotionally and whether or not they feel caught in a loyalty bind.
Communicate openly with your stepchild. Allow them to be honest with you. This means try not to take offense at things they say about their other parent. For example, if you notice they are quieter than usual or seem “off” and you ask what’s wrong. If they respond with something along the lines of missing the parent in the other home, this could trigger feelings of anger, frustration, or even abandonment in you. Awareness of your insecurities and wounding in this situation is crucial and will ensure you don’t take the stepchild’s emotional struggles personally.
Remember, your stepchild may be experiencing many changes and emotions, so it’s important to create a safe space where they feel comfortable expressing themselves.
Dealing with the ex
Another giant hurdle in stepparenting can be dealing with the ex. This can be especially true if there is tension or conflict between the two homes/parents. It’s essential to approach this relationship respectfully and civically, even if difficult. However, this does not mean putting up with or subjecting yourself to abusive behavior. Remember that your focus should be on your stepchild and their well-being. Avoiding negative or hostile interactions with the ex in front of the children should always be a top priority.
Create clear boundaries and expectations with your partner about communication and interactions with the ex, ensuring you’re both on the same page. In addition, it may be helpful to seek the support of a therapist or coach to help navigate this complex relationship and manage conflicts that arise.
Remember that you don’t control how the ex acts or what they say or do. The only things you can control are how you act, react, and the words you use. Furthermore, your home is yours. Therefore, the ex isn’t entitled to have a say in how you run your home, just as you don’t get a voice in theirs. This doesn’t mean we believe in encouraging parents and stepparents to do the opposite of what is done in the child’s other home, but what it does mean is we know, especially in high-conflict situations, an ex may feel they still have a say in how the parent/stepparent run their home. This can lead to feelings of anger and resentment not only toward the ex but also toward a stepchild. Therefore, it’s crucial to operate your home how you and your partner have agreed to, despite how the ex may feel about it.
Finding support and resources
Understandably, stepparents can feel overwhelmed by the complexities of stepparenting and blending families. As a result, you might feel alone, isolated, or unsure about how to deal with new challenges and emotions that arise. However, knowing that you don’t have to navigate these challenges alone is important. Finding support and resources can be integral to helping you feel more confident and connected in your family dynamic.
Coaches and therapists that specialize in blended families are fantastic resources. These professionals can help you navigate conflicts that may arise and provide you with the tools such as learning how to establish clear communication with your partner, children, and stepchildren, set realistic goals and expectations, and work with you to figure out the best way with your unique challenges in mind.
Online and in-person support groups can also be the perfect place to connect with others facing similar challenges and can relate to what you are going through. Family and friends are great sounding boards and mean well when they offer advice, but frequently their lack of real-world experience with stepparenting leaves them falling short when it comes to providing sound advice.
With the right tools, support, and resources, you are better equipped to face the unique challenges of blending a family.
Maintaining self-care and a healthy relationship with your partner
Self-care should remain a top priority when looking to maintain mental and emotional health while dealing with the stressors of stepparenting and stepfamily life. Making time for yourself and doing things that fill your cup allows you to be the best version of yourself for your family.
Prioritizing the relationship with your partner must also be a top priority. Remember that you’re in this together, so be sure to set aside time to talk about your feelings and frustrations and continue to connect on things that aren’t stepfamily related.
The truth is, stepparenting is not for the faint of heart, and every stepfamily will face its own set of unique challenges - but with the right mindset and tools, you can learn how to celebrate your successes, no matter how small they may seem. Blending families is a journey that won’t always be easy, but it can be totally worth it.
