Redefining Stepparent Love: A New Perspective
WHAT IF THE MESSAGING WE RECEIVED AS STEPPARENTS WAS DIFFERENT RIGHT FROM THE BEGINNING?
The reality is, you didn’t fall in love with your stepchild; you fell in love with their parent. If you're lucky, you hit it off with your stepchild right away, but the truth is, that’s not always the case.
For many, the role of “stepparent” isn’t an easy one, and developing feelings for a stepchild can be just as difficult depending on the situation.
A person’s family history and past traumas can greatly affect the way they bond with their stepchild. Additionally, having a stepchild caught in a loyalty bind can further complicate matters, making it challenging to form relationships.
Love isn't something that just happens…
Love is a feeling that develops over time, whether short or extended. When there isn't an opportunity for bonds to be created or to build a relationship, it's understandable that love doesn't happen or takes longer to develop between a stepparent and stepchild. Parental alienation can also be a significant factor in the growth and development of the stepfamily, (as well as the relationships between stepparents and stepchildren.)
What if the pressure to love, or “love our stepchildren as our own,” was instead replaced with encouragement to strive for mutual acceptance and respect?
As I have learned through my own social media platform and coaching clients, this isn’t a gender-specific issue. However, stepmoms seem to feel the pressure more often and intensely, perhaps due to societal gender roles or pressure from partners, family, or friends.
So what happens when you don’t love your stepchild like you do your own children, or at all?
Feelings of shame and guilt are common. You begin to question the type of person you are and wonder what is wrong with you. Rather than sharing your feelings with your partner, you internalize them, leading you to feel even more alone and ashamed. However, communicating openly with your partner about your feelings can help alleviate some of the heaviness and provide much-needed support.
Here’s the thing, it’s ok if you don’t “love your stepchild as your own.” In fact, it’s ok if you don’t love your stepchild at all. Your goal should be seeking mutual respect and acceptance of one another. If feelings of love eventually grow, consider it a great bonus!
How would it feel if you were allowed to meet yourself where you're at with your feelings and grow into your relationship with your stepchild?
We don't expect our stepchildren to hold the same feelings of love for us as they do for their biological parents, so why do we allow others or even ourselves to put this pressure on us?
We also don't expect them to love us right away; we understand that we must build a relationship with them before love happens.
When we feel pressured to do anything in life, it doesn't feel good - so why would pressuring yourself to feel a feeling or emotion be any different? Give yourself time and let it happen naturally; it could take months or even years depending on your situation. Rather than watching the clock, focus on the present and find ways to bond with your stepchild - get to know them, and let them get to know you! Creating time for activities you both enjoy will allow for positive experiences, which will help your feelings to develop.
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