3 Stepfamily Myths… Busted!
It’s more than likely that when you became a stepparent, you had a few assumptions about what stepfamily life would be like.
And given that we’re stepmoms too, and coached plenty of stepparents just like you, we’ll vote three of those thoughts sounded something like:
You thought you and your stepfamily would blend seamlessly and live happily ever after because this is what you and your partner want and choose.
You thought you would feel an automatic connection and love for your stepchildren because, after all, they’re an extension of your partner whom you love deeply.
You thought that since you’re committed to your new family, it would function just like any other (nuclear) family would.
But all those things couldn’t be farther from the truth you are currently experiencing.
Your family is not blending at all.
In fact, you’re pretty sure your stepchildren don’t like you, and every conversation you attempt to have with your partner about the challenges you face seems to turn into an argument!
You’re beginning to wonder if you are, in fact, a wicked stepmother because you don’t feel an automatic love for your stepchildren.
You dread transition days and much of the time you must spend with your stepkids because you’re always walking on eggshells trying to keep the peace with them, your partner, and the ex.
You feel like you’re doing all the right things, just like any mom would. But everything seems to backfire.
You try to be involved in parenting but either end up upsetting your stepkids, partner, or the ex.
We’d both be lying if we said we didn’t experience these things in our earlier days as stepmoms too. And like we mentioned above, so many of our clients come to us with these exact same challenges. So it’s vital that you know you are not alone.
Our myths, assumptions, and beliefs are often formed after watching Disney movies and other media or simply listening to people who have never experienced stepfamily life firsthand.
However, when we enter our new stepfamily using these myths/assumptions/beliefs to guide our actions and thoughts, we are setting ourselves up to have unrealistic expectations of not only ourselves as stepparents, but also our partner and stepkids too.
These unrealistic expectations lead us to feel disappointed, resentful, unsure of ourselves as stepparents, guilty, and filled with shame.
What makes these three myths so misleading?
You thought you and your stepfamily would blend seamlessly and live happily ever after because this is what you and your partner want and choose.
In order to blend, you must first build trust in your stepfamily relationships. This is done through shared experiences and communication. Therefore, on average, it takes stepfamilies 4-7 years before they begin to feel and function like a nuclear family.
You thought you would feel an automatic connection and love for your stepchildren because, after all, they’re an extension of your partner whom you love deeply.
Love isn’t something that happens; it’s established over time and built on trust.
There are a multitude of factors that go into how quickly (or slowly) you can build a relationship with a stepchild. It’s important to factor in things like:
the child’s age when their parents separated/divorced
their age when you came into their life
their current relationship with your partner
their relationship with their other parent – is there a loyalty bind?
You thought that since you’re committed to this new family of yours, it would function just like any other (nuclear) family would.
It really doesn’t matter how committed you are.
It really doesn’t matter how committed you are to making your stepfamily work because the reality is, stepfamilies won’t function like a nuclear family. Again, there are a multitude of factors that play into why this is, such as:
You have 3 (or more) people attempting to parent a child, and in many cases, the stepparent is an unwanted member of the parenting “team”.
Nuclear, also known as “first” families, are born out of mutual love, while stepfamilies are formed after a loss.
Nuclear families have time to grow together, creating structure slowly over time, while stepfamilies have less time to grow and develop before rules, structure, and routines are put into place.
In nuclear families, everyone knows their place, while stepfamily members often feel uncertain about how and where they fit in.
Nuclear families live together under one roof, while step and blended find themselves living apart.
Our hope for this blog is for you to better understand the stepfamily myths you may have fallen victim to and how they may have set you up for failure by having unrealistic expectations of yourself, your partner, and your stepkids.
Letting go of these expectations allows you to move toward peace and confidence.
In need of personalized stepmom support? Learn more about how we can help you with your specific situation!
