The Reasons Why Stepfamilies Benefit from Having Rules and Expectations
Are you feeling overwhelmed by the inconsistency in your home when it comes to rules, expectations and consequences? Do you and your partner have difficulty agreeing on why they could help your household? Unfortunately, this lack of clarity can lead to feelings of unfairness and chaos in the home. But, with the proper guidance, it is possible to create a home where rules, expectations, and consequences are clearly defined, understandable, and regulated to the benefit of everyone living in it. In this article, we’ll look at what’s required to achieve this kind of balance inside the home and how to go about making it a reality. You’ll learn how to create a system that reduces the burden for parents and facilitates better behavior from children. Arm yourself with the knowledge that will help you to create a home where everything operates in harmony.
The Reasons Why Stepfamilies Benefit from Having Rules and Expectations
Do you feel like there’s inconsistency in your home when it comes to rules, expectations and consequences but you and your partner just can’t seem to agree on why, or why not they would benefit your household.
Does it feel like it’s not operating fairly for everyone living in it?
Like no one really knows exactly what's expected of them, and there never seems to be consistent consequences to unwanted behaviors?
Does it feel like rules don’t apply to everyone in the home? Or that they only sometimes do?
Do you feel like you‘re always the "bad guy," the one laying down the law?
Why Creating and Enforcing Rules Can be a Challenge
At first the idea of house rules can be daunting, especially for someone already parenting out of guilt due to a separation/divorce, and who doesn't see their child on a full time basis. These parents tend to want to make the time with their children as fun and relaxed as possible, they want to appear like the “good” guy by not setting rules or expectations because that’s what they think the child wants, and what they think is best for rebuilding the relationship and making a child happy.
These parents often feel a lack of rules and responsibilities will help the child overcome the sadness they feel due to their failed nuclear family unit. While this is a completely understandable point of view, running a home and parenting this way, out of guilt, is not what children want or need. Doing so also leaves room for other children in the family to begin to feel resentment towards both parents and (step)siblings.
Creating Stability in the Home
Children thrive in structured environments with routine. They do very well in situations where they know what to expect and what’s expected of them which is why rules and expectations give children stability and offer a safe space when the world around them might not be very stable. This is especially comforting to a child that is living in two seperate homes; where going back and forth can get confusing. Having house rules will also allow for everyone in the home to be on the same page: parent, stepparent and children. All children in the home will feel they are being treated equally, rather than one getting away with everything while the other(s) have expectations and rules to follow.
Let’s look at ourselves as an example of how rules and expectations help us to function in our everyday work life.
In the workplace we know: when we must arrive, when we can leave, what times we can take a break/lunch. We are aware of a dress code and are given deadlines, etc. Knowing these things allows us to feel confident in our role as the employee in our workplace because we know what is expected of us and what will and will not be tolerated. These rules and expectations, generally speaking, apply to every employee - therefore creating equality. Taking on this perspective allows us to see the parallels between work and home, and shows us the benefits of creating our own set of rules and expectations.
What You Can Do
If your home is feeling more like a circus act than it is a stable environment, here’s what you can do!
Sit down with your partner to discuss the rules, expectations and consequences you would each like to see implemented. This process can also include the children, but do so only after discussing things with your partner first to ensure you're both on the same page. Including the children in the process may help them to be more open to the ideas and will also allow you time to discuss why a rule or expectation is being implemented and what the consequences to breaking that rule will be.
Keep in mind, when creating change or implementing new rules in the home, it’s important to take baby steps - the children will have a hard time adjusting if numerous rules and expectations are instantly placed on them. They may also push back if they feel the stepparent is coming in and completely changing everything. Start with one or two things and slowly add from that. Having rules and expectations in place will keep both parents in the home on equal ground, leaving less room to be viewed as the “good cop” or “bad cop” by the children, and ensures one parent isn’t always left to feel like they the one disciplining while the other sits back. This also provides equality in the home amongst the children by ensuring everyone knows what is and is not expected of them.
However, it is important to note that not all rules/expectations need to be the same for everyone. Depending on the ages of the children, the rules, expectations and consequences may vary - this is completely acceptable. Furthermore, in blended family situations, parents and stepparents may not agree on implementing certain rules for their children. This can be a difficult situation to navigate, but it’s important to take time to view one anothers perspectives. If this is a challenge you and your partner are having trouble navigating, a stepparent coach is a great resource that will provide you with tools and lasting solutions.
What to Expect
Keep in mind that when implementing a new rule there may be push back from the kids. That’s ok, and completely normal in any type of family! Rules and expectations are put in place for a reason: to help the household to function more efficiently and teach responsibility and create better health and wellbeing (bedtime/technology limits, etc.)
Remind yourself and your partner that you aren’t doing these things to hurt or be mean to the children, but rather to benefit them and the stepfamily as a whole.
Children likely won’t understand the “why” behind what you’re doing right now since their brains aren’t fully developed, leaving them unable to see how these things will benefit them in their future lives, but they will be more open to ideas and concepts if they have an explanation for the reason behind a rule/expectation. Be sure to take time to give explanations and answer questions rather than responding with: because I said so.
To summarize: While we understand the overwhelm a parent and stepparent might feel at the thought of creating and enforcing house rules and expectations, especially when there is other stepfamily chaos at play, we do know the benefit of creating a structured environment for kids living in two separate homes, with two sets of values.
Remember, rules and expectations
provide stability in the home
create equality amongst all of the children
leave less room for parents in the home to be viewed as, or take on the role of “good cop” and “bad cop”
should be based on each child’s age and ability to understand
take baby steps - don’t overwhelm children with a long list of new rules. Introduce 1 or 2 at a time and add from that
give explanations to rules and expectations
