Navigating Emotions and Building Bonds

Becoming a stepmom was a wild ride of its own but adding an "ours baby" to our family was an entirely new rollercoaster of (unexpected) emotions! While I found some of the emotions I felt during my first pregnancy familiar, I also found myself facing an additional layer of complexity that caught me by surprise.

From concerns about my husband bonding with our baby, to the impact this would have on not only my own daughter, but my stepdaughter as well, to my own personal fears and worries - the journey of adding an "ours baby" certainly brought up some unique and unexpected challenges.

Balancing bonding and guilt

One of the initial worries I faced was my husbands ability to bond with the new baby while also navigating guilt associated with his own child. I feared that because she didn’t live with us full time, or even part time for that matter, that he would have trouble forming a bond with our baby out of loyalty to his daughter.

Thankfully this wasn’t the case, and my husband was able to form an instant connection with our son, however it was something that I communicated throughout the pregnancy. I’ll add that he never did or said anything to make me think bonding with our “ours baby” would be an issue, it was only something I thought up and struggled with because of stories and scenarios I was making up in my head. This is an important reminder to stepmoms everywhere to be mindful of your thoughts and assumptions! We can create a whole world of upset for ourselves when we allow the stories we tell ourselves to overtake reality.

Our daughters place in our growing family

It’s to be expected that a stepmom would wonder how their (step)child will not only react to the news of the pregnancy, but also how they will welcome a new sibling into their life. At the time, our family consisted of my daughter and my husband's daughter. My daughter lived with us 100% of the time, so in some ways, I felt the news of this pregnancy and welcoming a new baby into her life would feel “natural.” However, I couldn’t say the same about my stepdaughter. Since she was only with us less than half the time, I feared she would face feelings of rejection or abandonment by her Dad and worried that in her eyes, this new baby would take over her role in our home.

One way we navigated this was by being intentional about ensuring both girls were part of the pregnancy by including them when/where we could. For instance, my daughter attended all the appointments with us. Hearing her brother’s heartbeat for the first time at the exact moment we did. We also scheduled a 3D ultrasound for a time my stepdaughter was with us and attended the appointment as a family. All seeing the baby (in 3D) for the first time, together. Of course, there were other smaller moments like: buying baby clothes and items for the nursery, but they weren’t as monumental as the ultrasound appointments.

I had also planned ahead and had “Big Sis” shirts made for the girls to wear when they came to meet their brother at the hospital in hopes of adding some excitement for them in their new roles as big sisters!

Dealing with feelings of disappointment and jealousy

Our partners have already experienced pregnancy and childbirth in their previous relationship, and my husband was no different. Six years before welcoming our son into the world, he and his now ex wife welcomed their daughter into the world. It would be a lie to say it wasn’t a joyous time in my husband's life, because it was.

But despite my rational brain knowing that of course I would want someone I’m in a relationship with, and welcoming a child into this world with to be, A) in love with their partner, and B) excited and involved in the pregnancy, childbirth and parenting, I couldn’t help but feel pain thinking of my husband feeling those things toward and with his ex.

In my early months of pregnancy, it didn’t matter to me that the ex was in his past, that he was with me now, that we were happy together… or whatever other reason I told myself or a loving, well-intentioned family or friend tried to tell me when offering comfort. I was sad and quite frankly, jealous that my partner had been through this already with someone else.

You might be saying: But Amelia, you had already been through this with someone else too! You’re right, I had. In fact, 5 years prior, my financé and I welcomed our daughter into our blended family (he had two children from a previous marriage.) But it felt different for me, maybe because that person was no longer in my/our life. However, my husband was still very much in constant contact with his ex (as most parents are when their children are very young.)

I was able to get a grasp on my emotions around this when I managed to change my mindset around these thoughts and feelings. Yes, this wasn’t a new experience for my husband or me. However, this was a new experience for us together. This was a time for us to celebrate our love and our growing family and had absolutely nothing to do with the past.

Navigating concerns about the ex's reaction

Like every other stepmom in this situation, the ex crossed my mind very shortly after we found out we were expecting. I get asked all the time: How did you tell her? How far along in the pregnancy did you tell her? What was her reaction?

To be honest, 9 years later, it’s kind of a blur. Ultimately it didn’t have much of an effect on my life.

But here’s what I can tell you about what I recall. My husband and I decided that he would speak to her without me present. At the time (when I was still very much insecure in my role as a stepmom/second wife) I remember wondering why he didn’t want me there. Why was he keeping me out of it? When I reflect on it now, I can see that it was a way for him to protect me. We had no idea how the ex would react - how could we? My husband tackling that conversation on his own was a way to ensure that if the reaction was negative in any way, I would not be subjected to it. We can’t control other people's actions, reactions, and words - so as I reflect on this, I am proud of my husband for taking a stand to protect me from potential hurt.

The other (more important) detail I recall about this was that my husband told his ex the same weekend we told his daughter. We knew right off the bat that we didn’t want her to be told to keep a secret, and we also didn’t want her (at the age of 6 years old) to take on this conversation on her own. We made a point of telling her when we were also ready to tell her mother.

Validating a stepmom's emotions

The single most important and impactful thing my husband did for me was validate how I felt by listening… even when what I had to say didn’t make sense, or make sense to him.

If you are a partner, friend, or family member of a stepmom I encourage you to try your best to validate their feelings by offering a listening ear. It’s so important to understand that a stepmom's feelings are real and very complex. Offering support and understanding by way of listening can make a significant difference in helping them navigate this emotional journey.

Adding an "ours baby" to a blended family should be an exciting experience for stepmoms, and it can be with the proper support! It's important to acknowledge the mix of emotions that arise and address them with open communication, empathy, and inclusion. Remember that each stepmom's journey is unique, and her feelings should be validated and respected. This chapter can be an amazing opportunity for stepmoms to build strong stepfamily bonds and nurture their relationships with both their partner and their stepchild.

Blog written by Certified Stepparent Coach,