Feeling unappreciated? You’re not alone my friend! I hear this from almost every client I work with. 

Stepparents that feel as though they are doing so much, going above and beyond for their (step)family/stepchild and nobody notices, or seems to care! In turn they’re left feeling frustrated and resentful to those around them.  

Once upon a time I was that person too - feeling undervalued and unappreciated for a lot of the things I did. I was burnt out and angry that my time and energy didn’t seem to matter. 

But that all changed when I started asking myself these questions: 

• Who are you trying to please?

• What are your intentions?

• What are your expectations?

Whether you find yourself doing small, subtle, mundane tasks, or you’re going all-out and over-the-top -  if you aren’t doing those things for the right reasons or with the right intent, you’ll be left feeling depleted and unappreciated very quickly if you don’t get the response or acknowledgment  you’re expecting. 

You see, as stepparents we are oftentimes looking to be seen and accepted by our partner, stepchild, in-laws, friends (such as mutual friends of your partner and their ex,) and sometimes even the ex! We often do this by way of overextending ourselves - whether it be taking on extra caregiving duties, preparing meals we normally wouldn’t, taking on extra housework, hosting parties and events, or attending extracurricular activities with our stepchild - this unhealthy practice usually causes us to feel burnt-out and resentful rather than accepted and appreciated when we don’t get the acknowledgment we expect and desire. 

Next time you’re about to take on a task that directly relates to your stepfamily/stepchild I encourage you to ask yourself these questions:

1. Who am I trying to please? 

2. If I say yes to this task, what is my intention? 

3. If I say yes, what are my expectations?

4. Am I saying yes because I want to do this, or am I saying yes in hopes of being seen/accepted?

When you learn to say yes to things because you want to, you release other people of your expectations in regard to their actions & reactions.

Don’t get me wrong here, I fully understand there are circumstances and situations that we simply have no choice but to say yes. If your partner isn’t home and the kids need to eat of course you’re not going to let them go hungry! 

What I’m referring to in this blog are all the extra things we often find ourselves doing in hopes of achieving acceptance.

I’ll give you a personal example. I always used to ensure my stepdaughter went back to her other home with her bag full of freshly laundered clothes. No matter what we had going on, I would make sure that her clothes were washed and packed up nicely in her bag, even if it interfered with our day. There were times we would be out doing family activities and all I could think about was getting home to wash her clothes! Ridiculous, right?!?  Nobody asked me to do this, and my husband certainly never expected this from me - I took this task on myself in hopes of showing him I cared and was capable of being a great stepmom. I did this in hopes of being seen and appreciated by my stepdaughter's mom, and if I’m being honest, I had hoped my stepdaughter would see the great lengths I went to to care for her. 

Guess what. Nobody cared! My husband was indifferent about whether or not clothes went back to the other home clean or not, and his ex never said a peep about my job well done either! My stepdaughter, well she couldn’t have cared less! (…show me a kid that cares about what parent does the laundry!) 

With resentment and frustration building I continued with this task I had delegated to myself week-after-week, month-after-month… YEAR AFTER YEAR,  until one day it finally dawned on me - I was doing the laundry for the wrong reasons. I wasn’t doing it because I wanted to and had the extra time. I wasn’t doing it because it was something that was agreed upon with the ex, I wasn't doing it because it mattered to my stepdaughter. I was doing it with the expectation of being thanked and acknowledged.

Instead of having conversations, being honest with myself and my husband about what I was feeling (insecurity) and needing (acceptance,) I instead took on a task that nobody asked me to do and then became resentful and frustrated with those around me because they didn’t react the way I expected them to. You could say that I was the one that caused my own suffering in that situation. 

Now I take on tasks that I want to because I either enjoy doing them, or they are what my husband and I have agreed upon when dividing household/parenting obligations. 

Below are 6 tips I’ve put together to help you when you’re struggling with feeling unappreciated

1. Remember that parenting can be a thankless job:

Parents in nuclear families feel unappreciated at times too. I'm not disregarding a stepparents feelings and not suggesting you don’t communicate your feelings to the people making you feel this way, but I do feel it’s important to remember that there are times in every family that a parent can feel unappreciated for all they do for their kids. Sometimes parenting can be a very thankless job and sometimes the unappreciated feeling can come from the ebbs and flows of everyday parenting.

2. Model the behaviour you want to see in your home:

Show the people in your home the behaviour you would like to see - show appreciation to them. I get it, right now you’re probably shaking your head and rolling your eyes at me - you’re already feeling unappreciated (that’s why you’re reading this!) and now here I am telling you to show appreciation to the very people that have shown you none?!?! Yes, yes I am. Because actions speak louder than words. Because children (and some adults) may not always do as we say/ask…. But they often do as we do. Lead by example! Next time your stepchild takes their dishes to the kitchen, offers to fold a load of laundry, picks up their toys or thanks you for something small you’ve done, acknowledge that! 

3. Communicate:

When approaching this conversation, remember to let the person know how you are feeling and how their actions (or lack thereof) make you feel, but do so without going into attack mode. Your partner or stepchild will not hear what you have to say if they’re feeling attacked, instead they’ll be focussed on defending themselves. This leads me to my next tip…

4. Check in with your (step)family values:

Be careful not to point fingers because sometimes your partner/stepchild’s actions aren’t intentional at all. The lack of appreciation you feel you’re shown could simply be a difference in values and upbringing. Once you bring your feelings to their attention they may see and understand your perspective clearly. Making you feel unappreciated may not have been their intent! This also provides an opportunity to show/instill your values into your partner/stepchild’s lives. If showing appreciation is a top value of yours and something you were taught, but not something others in your home have learned through their experiences, take time to teach them what this means to you and how it can improve their lives. 

5. Ask yourself these questions: 

1. Who am I trying to please? 

2. If I say yes to this task, what is my intention? 

3. Do I have any expectations if I say yes?

4. Am I saying yes because I want to do this, or am I saying yes in hopes of being seen/accepted?

Remember, if you're only doing something because you think it will lead to feeling seen and accepted, you'll be left disappointed when your expectations aren’t met in terms of others' reactions. Ensure you're saying “yes” because you want to!

6. Get on the same page:

What about the times you have to do something even though you may not want to? In terms of added household chores, cooking or taking your stepchildren to extracurricular activities - it's a good idea to get on the same page with your partner about these expectations. Ensuring tasks are divided between you will leave less room for you to feel taken advantage of and unappreciated. 

For example: Maybe on transition day you prepare the meal but your partner (and stepchildren, depending on age) clean up the kitchen. 

My hope is that you will walk away from reading this blog with greater awareness of your intentions, and healing that you may still need to work through. Furthermore, I hope that you can turn your challenge into a learning opportunity, not only for yourself but your stepfamily as well. Getting to know your stepfamily values is key to greater peace and happiness.