Tools and Perspectives for Managing Difficult Emotions

Just like most things in stepfamily life, special occasions have an added level of difficulty to navigate… and Mother’s Day is definitely top of that list!

A day intended to leave {step} moms feeling special, appreciated, and loved can often do the opposite in a stepfamily. 

1. Sad 

2. Lonely

3. Frustrated 

4. Confused

5. Guilty

6. Unappreciated

These are a few words I’ve heard clients and stepmoms I know use to describe Mother’s Day. 

And if I’m being totally transparent, these used to be my feelings too. It was a day that could leave me feeling appreciated and loved one minute and sad and confused the next… which, by the way, can be a total rollercoaster to navigate! 

I had intended to write a longer blog about this day, reflecting on my past experiences and feelings, but once I got started, I decided this would be far more beneficial if I could arm you, the reader looking for guidance, with new perspectives and tools to help you manage the day. After all, you’re already aware of your feelings; now you want the tools to help you move through/past them!

Before we dive in, it’s important to note that there can be many moving parts when it comes to Mother’s Day. Not only can it be difficult for a stepmom to navigate their feelings, but for a stepchild and partner, too.

Here’s what you need to consider:

The relationship with your stepchild

How often do you see your stepchild? Have you had the opportunity to bond and build a relationship with them?

1. The frequency and length of the access with your stepchild play a considerable role in how slowly or quickly this relationship can be formed. A stepparent spending 50/50 time with a child will likely build relationships faster than a parent who sees their stepchild on a 20/80 schedule. 

2. When your stepchild is in your home, are you having or creating opportunities to build relationships? Or are you taking a backseat? If you actively seek ways to spend time with and get to know them, your connection will form faster than someone who makes no attempts to interact. 

Whether it’s lack of time, or the inability to connect, a stepchild may not feel comfortable celebrating a stepmom they don’t yet feel connected to.

The ex

Is your stepchild’s other parent high conflict? Are they continually trying to cause chaos in your family? Do they encourage your stepchild to have a relationship with you or act more like a barrier, keeping your stepchild locked in a loyalty bind?

1. Managing ongoing conflict can not only be draining and frustrating, but it can cause a stepparent to shut down and be closed off towards a stepchild. In turn, you end up with a strained or non-existent relationship between stepparent-stepchild.

2. Having a closer look at the big picture will help you to understand your stepchild’s feelings in all of this. If the ex is high conflict, it could be that they are also holding their child in a loyalty bind - not allowing or creating barriers that get in the way of forming bonds with people in the other home, such as the stepparent, the other parent, and even siblings. 

When this is the case, you can again see how it could be challenging for a stepchild to feel safe or even want to celebrate their stepparent. 

Your stepchild’s age

How old is your stepchild currently? How old were they when you came into their life?

1. Having a look at your stepchild’s age can be helpful. While toddlers and younger children might be excited to make cards and crafts and celebrate tweens and teens, older children might not be enthusiastic. 

2. Understanding the different developmental ages of children is an important aspect when understanding children’s feelings around their stepfamily. If you came into their life when they were a toddler or young child, that relationship will look and likely be built differently than if you were to come into their life as an older child or teenager/young adult. 

Your stepchild’s feelings

How long have your stepchild’s parents been separated/divorced? Has the child had the opportunity, or are they encouraged to work through their feelings around the breakdown of their first family?

1. Expecting a stepchild who is very new in your life to want to celebrate you right away is a big expectation, especially if their parents are newly separated/divorced. Allowing a stepchild time to get to know you and build a solid relationship will help them feel bonded to you later, likely allowing them to feel more willing and able to celebrate you.

2. Being aware of your stepchild’s own struggles can help you to understand their apprehension to celebrate Mother’s Day… or have any type of relationship with you for that matter. A child who isn’t encouraged to talk through, work through, and acknowledge their feelings around their first family’s breakdown will look a lot different than a child who is given the safety, encouragement, and freedom to explore and work through those feelings.

3. Your feelings - have you worked through all your feelings around being a stepmom and part of a stepfamily? Have you recognized what could be potentially holding you back from fully embracing your role as a stepparent?

4. Understanding your self-talk as a stepparent is huge in finding your peace. Acknowledging your limiting beliefs and negative self-talk can help you see where you need to do some work and how that could be a factor in your relationship with your stepchild or your stepfamily.  

Your partner

Does your partner actively teach your stepchild appreciation for you? Not just on Mother’s Day but all the time. Is your partner helping your stepchild to make this day memorable for you?

1. Showing appreciation and respect for a stepparent shouldn’t just be a one-day thing - this can be something we are teaching our children every day. Teaching gratitude for all things in life is essential not only because it helps the adults in their lives to feel appreciated but will also play a role in their overall happiness and well-being. Don’t have our Gratitude Journal yet? Get your copy here!

2. The responsibility of celebrating Mother’s Day doesn’t just fall on the shoulders of our stepchildren. Our partners have a hand in this as well! And one key point to remember is that our partner doesn’t always see things the way we do - maybe they never celebrated their mother growing up, maybe they never celebrated their ex either. Communicating your expectations, wants, and needs is essential and perfectly acceptable. 

All of these factors play a role in how Mother’s Day will play out, and as you can see, it can be a complicated day, not just for stepmoms but for the kids in the family too. 

Take a deep breath stepmama, relax your shoulders, unclench your jaw, and know you are doing a great job navigating a difficult season.