What you can do to avoid their mistakes + ways to cope

If you follow pop culture, you may have followed the gong show that was Ye, AKA Kanye West, and his public attacks on ex-wife Kim Kardashian. The entire situation was upsetting to watch for multiple reasons, but if there’s one thing we can do from this situation, it’s take away some important lessons. 

Even if you didn’t follow, we want you to keep reading!  We believe every parent and stepparent needs to remember two very important takeaways from this situation.

1. Ensure you have a detailed separation/parenting plan in place. 

During the storm that was Ye in the weeks post-separation, we (the public) watched as he took to social media to let the world know that he wasn’t invited, nor was he provided the address for his daughter’s birthday party… even after harassing ex-family members and nannies - shocking, we know. 

Ye claimed one of his issues was: 

“That’s going to be an imprint in her (his daughter’s) mind that I wasn’t there for her.” 

While a legitimate and understandable concern for any separated/divorced parent, this is why ensuring a detailed plan is in place for these occasions is essential. Not only will this allow the adults in the situation to know where they stand, but it also allows time to prepare the child.

For example, if you plan to host celebrations together, you can have the necessary conversations surrounding that event beforehand. For example, explaining to the child that you will be spending time together with mom/dad, but when the event is over, mom/dad will be leaving. Or, if it’s the opposite, you can explain to the child that they will attend each home and have a separate celebration.

Every situation is unique and has its own set of hurdles; therefore, there is no single set way to write a parenting/separation agreement. 

However, there are a few things everyone should consider:

• Will you celebrate together with the ex? If so, will stepparents or ex-extended families be invited? 

• Where will these celebrations take place? Will they be hosted in a neutral venue? Or will you be comfortable hosting them in your home or attending the ex’s home?

• Will you alternate celebrating separately with the child each year?

• Are there certain holidays that have more meaning to you than others? 

• Do you plan to divide the holidays in half? Will the child spend the morning in one place and the afternoon in another? 

• What is in the child’s best interest?

2. Check your ego at the door!

Another one of Ye’s blow-ups consisted of an Instagram post regarding his outrage about his daughter being on a social media platform without his consent. 

It should go without saying that this is a very legitimate concern for any parent.  We aren’t suggesting that public figures aren’t entitled to their privacy and shouldn’t have concerns about their children on the internet - every parent, no matter who they are, should be cautious when it comes to their children using social media. 

But if you’ll recall, Ye and his children all appeared on the Kardashian’s TV show, Keeping Up with The Kardashian’s… his children’s privacy didn’t seem to be an issue then. Furthermore, Kim K announced that she was managing her daughter’s social media account - in fact, she often appears in videos with her daughter. 

In our opinion, this is a matter of Ye’s ego getting the best of him. 

Is he really concerned about his child having a social media account on a major platform (that is being managed by an adult - the child’s mother.) Or was he more concerned about publicly shaming and blasting his ex any way he could? Our guess is the latter based on the fact the child has been in the public eye since birth. 

Whether you agree with Ye’s concerns about social media or not, we think we can all agree that public shaming will get you nowhere when it comes to improving your co-parenting relationship. 

And while this has to do with social media, it can be applied to various stepfamily situations. 

So maybe you’re wondering if you need to give yourself a quick ego check too… don’t worry, we all need to sometimes - we’re human! 

Ask yourself these questions to clarify if your ego is getting in the way next time you face stepfamily conflict. 

• Am I just looking to be right?

• Do I have my stepchild’s best interest at heart?

• Am I involving myself more to be heard and seen than to help find a solution to the problem/conflict? 

• Am I involving myself to try and make someone else look bad? 

If you decide your concerns aren’t ego-driven, then of course, the best thing to do is proceed to your lawyer or mediator, or, if managing without legal professionals, address your concerns with the ex if you can communicate effectively.

3. Remember that the ex’s reaction to you has more to do with their internal battles than with you! 

Ok, so if you follow the Kardashian’s you’ll know Pete Davidson is out of the picture now, but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t talk about the harassment he ensured courtesy of Kanye West during his relationship with Kim K. 

Of course, most exes won’t go as far as having a song and music video made about their hatred for their ex’s new partner, but some will take to social media. However, even if it’s not the internet being used to harass or upset a stepparent, any form (in person, by text, email, or even having the kids say mean things) is upsetting. 

While this doesn’t take the sting away, one comforting tip to keep in mind is that oftentimes, the ex’s reaction has more to do with their unhealed wounds than it does with you. 

So, rest easy, stepmama. You’re not evil, wicked, or a home wrecker despite the way you may be made to feel by the ex. 

If you find the relationship with the ex to be challenging (at best), we want to offer you these tips:

• Don’t take their words/actions to heart

• Limit contact/communication (put boundaries in place)

• Don’t allow their words/actions to affect how you show up for your stepfamily

• Block them on all social media (because, no, you don’t need to keep tabs on them 😉)

• Give them space/time - you may dream of a relationship with them, and that’s great. But don’t be pushy. Allow them the space and time they need to heal and get to know you. 

• When it feels right, extend an olive branch. For example, offer to have a phone conversation or go for coffee - sometimes the ex needs to get to know you so they can feel confident and comfortable with who is around their child. 

Relationships with an ex can take time, and depending on how the relationship ended with your now partner, there can be a lot of animosity involved. So while we don’t suggest accepting or putting up with abuse of any kind, we do recommend you humanize the ex by trying to understand their perspective. 

However, if you or your partner feel threatened, it’s important to always contact your local authorities. 

While it was gut-wrenching to watch the downfall of Kim K and Kanye, taking away these lessons was a positive if it means we can learn and be better from them.