The Unspoken Burden of Stepmoms

Does it feel like your stepfamily's happiness, overall success, and ability to blend lies solely on your shoulders?

Do you ever feel like you're the one always ensuring the house rules are followed? Like you're the one always having to enforce the house rules… and come up with them!

Do you ever feel like your stepfamily would function better if your partner would just learn to set and stand by some boundaries with their ex?

Does it feel like you're the one always planning the family activities to help facilitate bonding to create unity between both sets of kids and stepparent-stepchild? 

Do you ever feel like you're doing a lot of deep diving into self-development while your partner seems to sit back and continue living life the way they always have, despite the turmoil caused by stepfamily conflict and the strain it is causing not only your relationship but your stepfamily, too?

If you're nodding your head yes, then you're probably a stepmom who finds herself feeling more invested in the success of the stepfamily than your partner. Unfortunately, this unspoken burden can lead to feelings of isolation, frustration, and even resentment. This blog will discuss why this might happen and provide actionable steps to help you navigate this difficult situation. 

What Does Being Invested in Your Stepfamily Look Like to You?

This can mean something different to everyone since everyone has unique perspectives based on their history: upbringing, values, and wounding.

For one person, success may mean everyone follows a list of house rules, and when broken, both parent and stepparent step up to hand out a consequence. 

For another, it could mean their partner puts their foot down and creates boundaries with an overbearing, conflict-inducing ex. 

For someone else, it could mean ensuring strong relationships are formed between both sets of children and that a solid foundation is also being formed between the stepparent-stepchild.

This could also mean you would like to see your partner invest in themselves the way you do. For example, attend therapy/coaching, read self-help literature, and listen to well-being podcasts. 

On the flip side, someone else's view of stepfamily success could be totally different!

This person may be less concerned about creating and enforcing rules. Instead, they could want to spend more time ensuring everyone in the home is enjoying themselves and not fixated on rules and expectations. 

They may also not view the ex as high conflict as their partner and therefore have trouble finding a reason to create boundaries.  

They may also feel like everyone is developing their relationships in their own way and therefore sees no need to facilitate this.

Self-help may be last on their to-do list! Instead, they may feel like, overall, life is ok, and they're happy where they're at. 

To get clear about what investing in your stepfamily means, you first need to decide what that means to you each as individuals and then as a couple/stepfamily. 

The Origin of the Burden

We have found the cause often stems from the societal expectations and cultural norms that dictate the ideal or "normal" family structure. In a traditional nuclear family, the mother assumes the majority of the parenting responsibilities, while the father is the protector. However, in a stepfamily, these roles become blurred and ambiguous. 

Furthermore, stepmoms may feel pressure to prove themselves and win the approval of their stepchildren, which can lead to overcompensating and over-investing in their stepfamily. The fear of being viewed as not capable of running a household, coupled with the frustration of an ex that continues to have a say in how the stepfamily functions, as well as the shame of not having a solid stepparent-stepchild relationship or children and stepchildren that lack connection, can create a sense of obligation to go above and beyond.

Recognizing the societal and cultural factors that contribute to the stepmother's feelings can help them understand their role better and navigate the complexities of the stepfamily dynamic. 

Navigating 

Being a stepmom can be pretty overwhelming sometimes, especially when it feels like the pressure of creating a cohesive family unit falls primarily on your shoulders. However, recognizing that this is often rooted in societal and cultural expectations can help stepmoms navigate their role better. In addition, it's essential to remember that establishing a balance between investing in the stepfamily and taking care of oneself is crucial.

One practical strategy is to set realistic expectations of your role in the family and how you will invest in it. Next, discuss how you can work together to achieve a healthy balance. Additionally, giving yourself grace and permission to take breaks when needed can help prevent burnout. 

Setting Boundaries and Taking Care of Yourself

As a stepmom, it's easy to become so invested in your stepfamily's success that you neglect your own needs and well-being. However, neglecting yourself can lead to burnout which ultimately leads to resentment. This can be detrimental to both your relationship with your partner and stepkids.

One practical strategy to navigate this is ensuring you aren't giving all of yourself to your stepfamily 100% of the time. Of course, this will look different for every stepmom. For some, it may be reading a book, getting out into nature, or going to a yoga class; for others, it may be some alone time watching TV or a movie, going for coffee with a friend, or shopping. Whatever self-care looks like for you, know that by prioritizing your needs, you'll be better equipped to handle the challenges that arise within your stepfamily.

Remember, taking care of yourself isn't selfish or irresponsible – it's essential for your mental and emotional well-being.

Communicating with Your Partner 

We might sound like a broken record here, but it's SO important to communicate your own needs and feelings to your partner and, when necessary (and age-appropriate,) your stepkids, too.

Remember to use "I" statements to express your feelings without blaming or accusing. For example, instead of saying, "You never listen to me," try saying, "I feel unheard when I express a concern, and you brush off my feelings."

By practicing communicating often and when necessary, you can build stronger relationships with your partner and stepkids, which can help reduce the feeling of being solely responsible for the way your stepfamily functions and overall happiness. 

Releasing the Burden

Openly discussing your feelings, needs, and expectations with your partner can help ensure that you're on the same page and working together towards common goals and meeting the needs of the stepfamily. The weight of your stepfamily's happiness doesn't sit solely on your shoulders - but you must communicate and come to a mutual understanding with your partner about what stepfamily success means to your family.

To conclude, stepfamily success looks different to everyone based on their perspective. This means there isn't a right or wrong way. It's important to have conversations as a couple/family to decide what success will look like for your stepfamily and how you can achieve that. 

Stepmom, remember that you are not alone on this journey; seeking support from peers and professionals can be beneficial. With these tools and an open mindset, you can find peace and fulfillment in your stepfamily relationships.