Four Ways to Help

You are not alone if you find connecting with your stepchild anything but a walk in the park. Many stepparents either feel completely shut out or the relationship is far from what they had hoped and imagined it would be. 

In an ideal world, when you said yes to a relationship with your partner, your stepchild would also welcome you with open arms. But often, this isn’t the case!

Factors such as:

• the child’s age when the separation/divorce happened

• the child’s age now

• how recent the separation/divorce was

• whether or not the child has been given the opportunity to work through their emotions (surrounding the breakdown of their nuclear family)

• whether or not the child feels caught in a loyalty bind

• the stepparent’s approach to connecting with the child

These factors don’t get stepparents off the hook. The responsibility doesn’t solely land on the child. Lack of development of the relationship or connection can also be partly due to a stepparent’s actions (or lack thereof.)

These can include:

• jealousy (of the stepchild, ex, and partners life before them)

• insecurity (about their role as a stepparent and how they fit in)

• lack of clarity in their role (how much or how little they should participate in the child’s life)

• past trauma that they have not (yet) worked through

Once you’ve determined why it is difficult to make that connection, it’s time to dive into the work! Of course, this will require your patience and, more importantly, honesty. 

Asking yourself questions such as:

• Am I expecting too much from my stepchild too soon?

• Am I providing space and grace for my stepchild to work through their emotions?

• What is my stepchild’s relationship with their other parent? Is there a loyalty bind?

• Am I creating roadblocks in our connection through jealousy and insecurity or past trauma I haven’t yet worked through?

• Do I fully understand what my role as a stepmom looks like? If so, am I aligned with that? If not, how can I gain clarity?

And now that you’ve determined the “why” behind the lack of connection, it’s time to gain tools to help you move forward and cope. 

1. Spend time together as a family

Many people might tell you to spend one-on-one time with your stepchild to strengthen your relationship, but we’re going to tell you the opposite! In the early days, especially when establishing connections, spending time as a family unit will take the stress off the child. Engaging in activities that leave little room for conflict, such as hiking, crafts, and board games, is a great way to connect and opens the door to a new conversation that has nothing to do with their everyday life.  

2. Give your stepchild grace

Show your stepchild you care by being supportive – let them know you understand their life can be challenging and that it’s ok to feel sad, frustrated, jealous, happy… whatever they feel is acceptable! Furthermore, you can offer to be a listening ear or a shoulder to cry on. Of course, they may not take you up on the offer but extending the olive branch will, at the very least, let them know where you stand. 

3. Be consistent

Children may be guarded after the breakdown of their nuclear family, and rightfully so – if they’ve witnessed the breakdown of their parents relationship, they may want to protect themselves by not getting close to someone new (a stepparent)…only to potentially get hurt again. You can show them it’s safe to open their heart to you by being consistent and following through with both your actions and words. Doing this will help to create and grow trust in your relationship.

4. Don’t take a loyalty bind personally

Loyalty binds have to be one of the most challenging obstacles to cope with in stepfamily relationships – not only for the stepparent but also for the stepchild caught in them. If you lack connection with a stepchild because of this, the most important reminder we can give you is DON’T TAKE IT PERSONALLY. Often in these situations, a child is trying to survive a bad-mouthing and manipulative parent, and they do this by not getting close to the other parent/ stepparent. In addition, they try their best to keep the manipulative parent happy by (appearing) not to like the other parent/stepparent. As difficult as it can be, especially when you’re feeling like you’re being pushed away, it’s essential to show a child caught in a loyalty bind that you care – you can do this by following the first three tips we’ve offered. 

(Read more on this topic here: Stepmom Magazine May 2022 issue, Loyalty Binds & Your Stepchild, article by Amelia Lane)

In Conclusion

Stepparenting can be challenging, especially when you feel like you’re failing! Remind yourself that building any relationship takes time – just because you haven’t hit it off with your stepchild right away doesn’t mean you never will. It may take months, even years, to find the balance of mutual respect, understanding, and love you’re looking for – but rest assured that one way or another, with your commitment, your stepchild will see that you care. 

If you are struggling in your role as a stepparent and looking for support, schedule a free, no-obligation Discovery Call to learn how Stepfamily Coaching can help you today.